It hurts really badly. Physically and emotionally. It takes over your mind and all your thoughts despite your greatest attempts to block it out or distract yourself or ignore it. Nothing seems to work.
Really though. Can you think of something worse than having the one thing you depend on every day being taken away from you? Can you think of something worse than watching it happen and not being able to do anything about it? Completely helpless. That’s how it feels.
If feels like you’re in a constant state of choking and you only get rare periods that you’re able to breathe. Yet still, every breath hurts. You’re heart literally hurts. It beats harder than it used to so that you’re more aware of it than ever before. It sucks to sleep and it sucks to be awake. I haven’t decided which is worse yet.
It sucks to be together now, even though it’s all I really want. It sucks even more to be apart because I can’t help but wonder. I know he’s with other people and that he’s coping way better than I am. I know that there’s another girl who gets way more of his time and attention than I do. I know that I used to be his everything. And I know that I’m not anymore.
There are places that I won’t go because I don’t want to run in to them together or her at all. Those places include the gym and the library where I used to go every day.
I don’t know if/when it’s appropriate to text him. Which questions are okay to ask him which are only okay for a girlfriend to ask. Sometimes I need to know something like “are you eating dinner at the apartment?” or “do you need a ride home?” or “where are you watching the game?” But, I don’t want to ask because the answer could very easily make me cry.
I can’t help but think about him. It’s basically all I do. Every moment to myself especially the ones right after he leaves me. It’s like it starts all over. Every. Single. Time.
Maybe I’m lucky because I didn’t have to feel this until the age of 22. I can’t imagine doing this as a teenager. I surely would’ve locked myself in my room.
The first day/night, I didn’t eat and I didn’t sleep. I cried until 3 am and then woke up at 3:48 crying again until it was time to start the day. Then I pulled the “I’m just tired” act even though everyone looked at me like there was no possible way that was true. I tried to smile but then I’d think of him and have to focus all my energy on hold back tears, at least until I was in private.
To sum it up, it feels like there is just no good left…anywhere. Like everywhere you look and every thing you think about can somehow evolve into something that makes you want cry, even as a person who basically never cries.
I don’t know how long it will take to move on. That might be one of the worst parts. I don’t know what he would have to do to make it so that I wouldn’t take him back. He’s the only person I’ve ever thought that I could spend my entire life with – the whole thing, yeah. And he felt the same way, a year ago when he proposed. How things change.
A lot of times in a break up there’s a battle between anger and sadness, but I only have that problem maybe 15 minutes of the day. Most of the time, I’m just sad. Really, really sad. I haven’t told anyone about the break with the exception of 1 person I knew would care and know what to say, and the 2 people who were there when it happened and still believe that it won’t last. I think I know better, but I hope that I don’t. I still hope that I’m wrong. And maybe that’s where I’m going wrong—the whole hope thing. It’ll getchya every time.
I didn’t love him a first, but I learned to. I didn’t even think I really could love like this. I gave him a chance and I was shocked when things went so well. We moved in together mostly out of convenience when I wanted to move off campus and things were so good. I live with his family over the summer and I have to say that I love them too. And I’m going to miss them. I also know that he won’t tell them that we broke up and I’m wondering if it’s out of line for me to tell them. I don’t want them to think that I don’t care and I was supposed to live there again this summer. I wonder what they’ll think but I don’t want to make things bad for him. His family thought I was the one.
He’s shorter than me with blue eyes and blond hair. He always told me a was beautiful . He was honest when I asked him how my outfit looked. He’d always hold my hand. He could make fun of me endlessly and I would never get offended. I thought he was charming. He had goals and was so ambitious. He got his undergraduate degree and immediately started grad school and created a career plan. I didn’t care when the wedding would be. I only cared that I had him and that we were forever. To me, the ring didn’t mean that I was going to get married. It meant that I was taken by someone who loved me so much that he didn’t want to live without me, which happens to be what he said when he proposed.
But hey, 22 and engaged. I guess it’s a little young. I didn’t care though. Better than 22 and pregnant. I took my ring off and it hurt so bad. I still have phantom ring syndrome. I always check to see if it’s there and now it never is. I tried to give it back to him but he told me not to. What the fuck am I supposed to do with it? Let it remind me of what was, what could’ve been and the pain? Be a cold-hearted bitch and cash it in? What if he wants me back? What if I don’t have the ring if he does?
Love stinks, yeah yeah.
So yeah. Sad all the time. Crying every night…and whenever I’m home and he’s not around. Oh yeah, did I mention we still live together. And have in fact slept in the same bed for the last 3 nights. I think I’m definitely too nice. I should tell him that he needs to stay somewhere else. But, like I said before, as much as being with him hurts, being without hurts more. Especially at night when he could be with anyone, the only thing I want is for him to be with me. I want to know that the other girl doesn’t really mean so much.
I want be important to him. I want him to care like he used to. I want him to know that the night when I couldn’t stop crying and tried to tell him how I was feeling wasn’t just a one time thing. It’s an every night thing. And right now, it seems like it always will be. I can’t see myself moving on. I can see myself with other guys but then I can’t see myself feel the way I do now and the way I have for the past year. I can see myself kissing another guy but I can’t see myself having sex with any of them. I trusted him so much. I trusted him with everything. He knows every secret, every fault, every passion. He knows of every time that I’ve cried. He knows my habits and how messy I am. He knows how I have a compulsive need to care for people even when they don’t deserve it, which is a category that he may now fall into. I’m not sure yet. He knows that I have poor self image (I wonder if he knows how bad it is right now). He knows that I put so much effort into everything that I do that I stress myself out beyond reason. And more importantly he knows when I really need someone to help me calm down, to massage my head or neck and put me to sleep, which he would often refuse to do except for on those night where he just knew I needed it.
He was a great gift giver. He always gave the most perfect gifts and I never gave him any sort of idea or list. Valentine’s gifts were thoughtful. My anniversary gift was perfect. My Christmas gifts were perfect.
If he had ever asked me to change something, I would’ve done it in a heartbeart. (Maybe that’s not healthy.) But, He never asked. He never wanted me to.
He’d get mad at me for things that I had no control over. And I would try so hard to get back in his good graces but really it didn’t take much. Any type of argument, usually ended in both of us apologizing. Though I was hesitant, I could always tell him how I felt even when it had to do with him. I had never been good at sharing my feelings. Any time I try to tell people something controversial, I get all choked up. I hate letting people down.
I’m not sure if I let him down. He says, he insists, that I didn’t do anything. I keep saying that I understand. I understand that he can’t control his feelings anymore than I can control mine. But, it’s really not something that you can understand. Can you just love someone so much that you get burnt out? Was it over-loving? Is there such a thing? Is it fear? Is it wanting to play the field? I’ve never seen myself as clingy. I’m more likely to be described as detached but maybe I was. All I wanted to do was be there for him. I know everything about him. All his personal demons and his family issues. Now that’s hurting me too. He still has the same issues and the same battles but now, even though I still want to be there for him, I don’t think I can. It hurts to much. Being with and without him hurts too much.
So, what next? Where do I go from here? Do I try to move on? Find a new date to UMPI Spring Ball? Do my parents ever get to meet the guy that I spent the last near 2 years with? Do I need to completely cut him out in order to move on? That’s the last thing I want to do? All I know right now is that I still want him and I don’t want to give up. But how long is too long to wait? And is it foolish to take him back after he admitted to have some kind of feelings for someone else? How long am I going to feel like crying?
I honestly feel like I can’t live without him. Like I don’t know how to live without him. I grocery shop for 2. I cook for 2. I think of things to buy him for just sweet little nothings. My summer plans involved him. My grad school plans involved him. My whole future since the engagement involved him. Is it necessary to tell people that we’re over? I really still can’t talk about it without starting to cry? Am I supposed to revamp my life? I don’t think that I wish it never happened but I do know that thinking I was never getting married was fine with me and it was a heck of a lot easier than this.
I don’t know if I’ve ever even witnessed a heartbreak like mine. But I know that there are some country songs that are about to become a lot more relatable.